I think that must be what I am in. I am numb.
I have just rung my boss to tell him, that quite potentially, I am going to be off work for the next 2-6 months. What the very f***?
How can this possibly be happening to me? I really don't understand it. I am not sure that the news would have been easier to take two weeks ago, if they had found that two of three nodes contained tumours in the quick test whilst I was under. At least if they had, I wouldn't have to be facing another operation, and the delay.
It isn't that I am in any hurry to start drugs and/or chemo, but I just want to get on with kicking this vile disease out of my body. I don't want it to have a chance of spreading any further. I want..... Oh, I don't know, the clock turned back and for it all not to be true.
I am of course, painfully aware that I want does not get. In fact, it is something that I talk about with both children on an almost daily basis [rolls eyes]
Instead though, I am going to pick myself up and I am going to beat this bastard disease. I don't promise not to cry at some point - not now though, I'm too cross to cry now, I don't promise not to be scared, stressed, frustrated, emotional, angry, and everything in between.
My husband, children, family and friends are all behind me, and of course my DW army, without whom I would have been lost on many an occasion in the last few years.
All I've got to do now is do it.