One of the problems with me being flat on my back, so to speak, or at least, with very little to think about when compared with my normal chaotic existence, is that I have got too much time to think about things.
More specifically at the moment, my musings are all Chemotherapy related. I don't yet know whether I will be given Herceptin, and if so whether this is instead of Chemo, or after Chemo, or even at the same time as Chemo, so I have managed to put that to one side.
What is bothering me at the moment is whether or not I will lose my hair. Ridiculous, I know, to be worried about hair when I should be worried about whether the cancer is anywhere else in my body, but there it is. It is a concern.
I don't think it is just a vanity thing, (I hope so anyway), as one of my major concerns is if I do lose my hair, how it might affect the children. They have been remarkably robust so far, but when I am clothed I don't look any different to them. Seeing mummy without hair might be a bit scarier or stranger for them.
Apparently I can get a doll which turns inside out into a lady with no hair, but frankly it sounds scary to me! It might help the children though, which is what matters.
I have been researching the "cold cap" and it seems, like everything else, that whether or not is works, and to what extent, varies from person to person, so there is no hard and fast answer. Hopefully I will learn more when I meet the Oncology team on the 10th October or thereabouts. Not all hospitals (as far as I understand) have access to scalp cooling and there are lots of suggestions of things to do and not do whilst using scalp cooling and during chemo that I don't know if I can live with, such as not washing my hair every day - fairly untenable to someone who has washed their hair every day for 20 years.
We live on a pig farm, and I have horses, therefore certain smells linger, shall we say, despite wearing hats. My hair is also very fine and gets greasy really really easily.
Having the cold cap may also double the length of time each treatment takes - 3 to 4 hours rather than 1 to 2, and hair can't be washed for 24hrs afterwards. There's a whole list of things here.
It seems like such a faff, to someone who doesn't do anything more than straighten her hair on a daily basis. I really don't know if I am patient enough.
The cold cap won't do anything for the loss of eyebrows, eyelashes etc either, so I'll have to learn some new make up skills as well it seems. Not before time in many ways.
On the plus side, I won't have to worry about shaving my legs for a bit will I?
Little things, little things, sent to try me.
I am still debating having all my hair cut off for charity as a way to regain control. Apparently I could even donate my hair to a children's charity (Little Princess Trust) that provides wigs for children suffering from hair loss through cancer treatment. Now I feel properly chastened - at least I have reached 33 years old before getting cancer.
Perhaps I should raise money for this charity anyway by cutting my hair off, and donate it too?
Perhaps I'll take it one step at a time and be sensible. Try the cold cap, and if it doesn't work, or if I can't bear it I'll have the whole lot cut off.
I just don't know. Can someone please make the decision for me?