Thursday, 8 November 2012

Feeling self-conscious

I seem to have the verbal runs tonight.

I'm auctioneering tomorrow, so popped into work today for a few hours and felt extremely self-conscious with my new and still slightly pink hair do. Silly really, it's only hair! 

I've had lots of compliments about it, as apparently it makes me look much younger which helps considerably as I've been struggling with trying to style it. 

Of course, it's really the beginning of a period of self-consciousness isn't it? I start chemo in 10 days, so in about 25-30 my hair could all be gone, at which point my stupid complaints about having short hair will be just that. 

I have a wig fitting booked for the 16th, which could be entertaining as I'm taking the children and my husband too! It's being held in The Big C centre at our hospital, which has a lovely general seating area that is available for cancer patients and their carers/families to use.

I really want the children to see the centre as if I tell them that this is where I'm disappearing to every 3 weeks they will hopefully have visions of the lovely round building with big comfy arm chairs and lots of tea and biscuits.... not that we've even really told the children I'll be having any treatment yet. I don't want the eldest to worry about it too much in advance. 

So, in a few weeks time I'll be needing you to tell me to get a grip and sort myself out. Or perhaps I should be getting a grip now?

Who knows? 

It's a lot to get used to, and despite the fact that I've been living with a diagnosis since August, the fact that I actually am GOING TO HAVE CHEMO has been so far at the back of my mind it's been in a different time zone.

It had never occurred to me before that I might be this vain. After Chemo I'll be starting the RT, Herceptin and Tamoxifen. There are so many people out there who have weight gain issues with the Tamoxifen (and some with water retention with the FEC Chemo) it has slightly freaked me out too. On top of being bald, I don't want to be fat too....

Good grief, what a pity fest. Better to be alive right?

1 comment:

  1. Oh goodness sweetie. I'm so glad you're writing here x