Having finally told my colleagues it's all becoming a bit more real and we have endless conversations about who to tell, when to tell them, or indeed whether to tell anyone at all.
Eventually, we try to put the shoe on the other foot as it were. If this (and I hope to God it never does) were to happen to any of our friends, even those we see on only a semi regular basis but who we are close to (children's God parents etc), we'd want to know, in the hope that we would be able to help. Also, and whilst it's all about me me me, not everyone else, one does run the risk of upsetting people unintentionally. Besides which, for me anyway, I want my husband to have other people to talk to if he should need to.
I am incredibly lucky as I have said before, my husband is a rock, I know my parents are there for me, and I have my DW Mafia, but I have become painfully aware that cancer doesn't just affect me, it affects all of those around me too.
So, I think roughly mid week so say, 15th August (I'm trying to be accurate!) I take the day off in order to try and escape the curse of "Black Wednesday" and take my youngest for a photo shoot, which is something I did with his sister at the same age. I also haven't decided what to do about breastfeeding yet, so I decide to have some nice breastfeeding shots done for posterity.
All in all the photo shoot goes well, but I'm not going to get the photos for a month or so as the photographer is going away on holiday for a few weeks which is fine. Mentally, it's something that has been crossed off my list of things to do and I feel better for it. I'm not sure my youngest totally enjoyed the experience but he'll forgive me in time.
I met a friend for lunch at our local pub. Bearing in mind I haven't set foot in there for about 8mths they are suddenly seeing a lot of me, but the food is fab and it is very child friendly.
I'm painfully aware that of the friends we have decided to tell I'm going to have to tell virtually all of them over the phone, so in a weird way it's nice to be able to tell someone in person, particularly as she is someone who I see on a weekly basis and my husband sees either her or her husband at nursery drop offs.
So I break the news and H is lovely about it. Oddly enough, she went for a scan on a lump earlier this summer which fortunately turned out to be nothing. Small world isn't it? And all about luck. Not that I begrudge her being fine at all, God no, but cancer is totally indiscriminate and it really is dumb luck if you get it or not.
Telling people appears to be getting easier, so that night I spent a long time on the phone telling people - only about 4 sets of friends, but each conversation takes a while. A bit like seeing the consultant, it isn't something you can rush.
One particular couple I "save" until last. I'm totally dreading this conversation. My lovely friend's lovely mum died last year from secondary cancer, and although she is a Doctor who is top of her field in palliative care, it seems somehow unfair to have to tell her.
Fortunately, I get her husband and tell him first, which is a relief for me but I still apologise for having to tell them. He's very sweet and tells me not to be an idiot - it is after all what friends do - support each other through tough times, but still, I hate giving people bad news.
Later on, I get a call from his wife offering love and support and medical lingo translation any time I need it. I am lucky. I have amazing friends.
Exhausted, I fall into bed. Telling people is a relief and now I know my husband has more outlets should he need them, but I have never felt so tired.
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