Random musings

I have too much on my mind. Can you tell??!!

On Thursday I should have the dressing removed. I'm going to be able to see the scar for the first time. I'm going to have to actually look at it. There will be no hiding the fact that I have had a breast removed.

More questions from my daughter have not helped. 

"Mummy, where has your boob gone, I can't remember?" 

And repeat.

I don't want to scare her, so try and move on as swiftly as possible. I certainly cannot possibly cry in front of the children, it would not be fair.

The kids are actually being lovely, all in all. Very gentle, including my son who will probably play rugby for school one day. Feeding him is, I'm pleased to say, not impossible. It's only morning and night, but at a time when everything seems so out of control, it is a relief to have something normal to fall back on.

In the mood to confront my fears, I get the camera out and photograph my chest with bra and falsie, with bra and no falsie, and the mastectomy wound itself, still with dressing on. 

What I am hoping is that when I eventually get round to reconstruction, I'll be able to look back at these photos and see how far I have come. 

There is a long way to go in the meantime though.

Thursday bandage/dressing off. The following week I might get my results. I've had an appointment confirmed at the hospital for  Wednesday 12th September at 11.10am. I am fully expecting it to be cancelled on Tuesday after their departmental meeting - it is unlikely that the lab will have had time to thoroughly go through the lump itself for signs that the cancer has spread, and of course, they have to test all of the nodes that they removed as well.

I really really want this appointment to be on the 19th. Please don't rush it. Please check everything twice. Please don't miss anything. 

I just want to be able to get my life back on track. Everything is on hold.

My brother in law is getting married again (yay) in Australia. There's no way we can all go (someone has to stay behind and look after the farm), but I know my husband would love to go. He could take the biggest child with him - she would love to meet her cousins. There's no way we can decide at the moment though, not until we know my results.

We don't have to wait long. Worst case scenario we wait 13 days to decide if he can go - well, from a cancer point of view anyway. Whether he actually goes or not for reasons entirely farm related is another thing. If he can't go because of me though, my guilt will go to a whole new level.

I know it is daft, and I know what I would tell someone else in my shoes, but I don't have the power or the energy to be objective right now. At least my parents in law will be able to go - my husband staying behind would give them the ability to be there for several weeks.

The other thing on my mind is reconstruction.

I know I want to have it, I can't live with this flat chest, but it is far more major surgery than a mastectomy. I'll be in hospital for 7 - 10 days and off work for longer. How on earth am I going to mentally cope with that?

Can I be "selfish" enough to do it for myself? 

Am I brave enough to do it full stop?

One of the things I want to talk to my GP about next week I will no doubt have to repeat with the consultant, but I need to know what my chances of it spreading, or having spread are.

Should I have my ovaries removed? We're pretty damn sure that we have finished having children - even before this all started. Ovaries produce oestrogen, which "feeds" cancer, if you can pardon my very rough medical terminology/understanding.

When I do have reconstruction, I'm pretty sure that I want the other breast removed/replaced at the same time. It's a big decision though, and will they do it?

I should really start making notes for my appointment(s). There is a lot to talk about.