Guilt

Right. I've worked out what my problem is. (Other than cancer and being an idiot).

Guilt.

I'm not at work = guilt for not being there therefore others have to take up the slack. If I felt worse I would not feel as bad. It feels like I'm having a run of duvet days and skiving.

I'm not capable of looking after the children when they aren't at nursery (can't lift, and I am shattered and grumpy) = guilt because either my husband, mother in law, or friends have got to take over. Have I mentioned that I'm a control freak?

I would really like some alone time to get my brain around the whole cancer and losing a breast issue, but I feel guilty as hell for not asking my mother to come and stay, but I genuinely feel constant company will not help. The many phone calls with mum in tears really don't help either.

I would love to see more of my husband, but he's working daft hours to keep the farm up and running, trying to be in for supper and bed times so I don't have to try and do it on my own, then going back out to work until 10pm. I can't ask him to take an afternoon off to spend with me, as that wouldn't be fair as he would have to work even harder the next day to compensate, which he has had to do so much recently anyway to take me to hospital because of the fucking cancer related stuff and I would have been too sore and upset to drive myself. 

Sorry, but I did tell you when I started this blog that I might not always be very polite.

I genuinely do not know how I can work through my guilt. There is nothing I can do about it for now, but I'm struggling to deal with it. I usually have an certain amount of guilt hovering over my head for not being a full time mum, but at the moment it is multiplied by about a thousand.

I keep trying to remind myself it is just a blip, just temporary, but what if it isn't? What if the cancer has spread? What if I have to have Chemotherapy, RT or hormone treatment? How much is that going to change our lives and what effect will it have on the children?

How did I get in this mess in the first place?

How am I going to get out of it?

It's all down to luck, I suppose.

Perhaps I had better give myself a talking to, and remember just how lucky I am to have been diagnosed at all. I nearly didn't make that call to the GP in the first place.

One thing they don't tell you about when you get the cancer diagnosis, is that temporary insanity follows shortly thereafter. At least, I hope it's only temporary......