Wednesday, 17 October 2012

Feeling the fear again

I'm having a tough week. And it is only Wednesday.

Despite a fab weekend celebrating the children's birthdays, and bouncing a fair bit on a bouncy castle, my birthday on Tuesday rather reinforced some of the crap that I'm dealing with at the moment. 

Interspersed with the birthday cards were hospital appointment letters for a CT Scan, Bone Scan, Oncology appointment, confirmation of a follow up for 9th October 2013 with Mr Pain, and letter from Mr Pain to my GP, confirming what I've had done, what I am to have done, and also that as they are not 100% sure of the diagnosis on my left breast, that I'm to have an MRI within 6mths to see whether the fibroadenoma (benign tumour) could in fact be something more. I'm already worried about my remaining breast anyway, as it feels totally different to how it did pre-biopsy, and I don't know whether I am imagining things or whether I ought to get it checked out sooner, but then perhaps the CT Scan of my chest might show something if there is anything to worry about? Perhaps the chemo will kill anything off if it is there anyway, and it only has to stay for a year until I have reconstruction as it is definitely coming off then....and I'm certainly going to have my ovaries removed as well.

And breathe.

I was also watching some of the Stand Up to Cancer stuff on Channel 4 (specifically the Big Sing) and whilst a lot of me was really moved and inspired by the past and present cancer fighters singing at the Royal Albert Hall, part of me couldn't help but feel terrified at the bald heads, the visible PICC Line

It is starting to sink in that soon, this is going to be me.

What has happened to my life? 

In an effort to be positive, I am taking part in a makeover tomorrow night for Keeping Abreast as the Younger Woman's BC group will be there and myself and another post mastectomy lady are being made over to show that you can still be glamorous despite the fucking cancer. Oh yes, and it should also be fun! Trying on lots of lovely clothes should be fun in any case, as should having my hair done - enjoying it whilst it lasts so to speak.

I'm not having second thoughts about getting my hair cut for charity, but I am sad that it's not going to be there for a while, even though I know it will grow back eventually. It's the one part of me that I really quite like. Dammit.

I also popped to see the hairdresser for tomorrow night's makeover, as they have offered to cut my hair for me, free of charge, and dye it as well. I'll be going to the very fabulous Gallery Haircutters and the very lovely proprietor is confident that he can make short hair look good on me, and has lots of great ideas about how to introduce the pink. I like a confident man.

They were very kind at the hairdressers, and have gone to great lengths to remind me that my hair might not fall out.

I'm certain though, that even if it doesn't fall out, that I'll be happy with my decision, even if I am quaking in my slippers about it now.

After all, it's only hair and will grow back. Right?


1 comment:

  1. Totally normal to be scared. It's a horrible time before treatment starts as it is all unknown. I have a PICC line so give me a shout if you have any questions. Also did you decide to try the cold cap?
    I know I have a different kind of evilness but ultimately the feelings are all the same. You are an amazing woman. Thinking of you always xx