Monday, 25 August 2014

Am I still in denial?

On the basis that I'm coming up to the 2 yr "anniversary" of my mastectomy, it seems rather odd to think that I might still be in denial, but I'll describe the circumstances that are making me wonder whether it might be the case, and let you decide.

I've been having some pain in my neck and shoulders for some time and finally got time to go and see my chiropractor last week. I ended up having acupuncture* and some strapping put on to help stretch the muscles (very attractive), and left feeling much better.

*Acupuncture???? Wow - chemo is good for something - I used to be terrified of needles!!

Anyhoo, I got home in time for supper and naturally both children were curious as to why I had black strapping on my neck and shoulders - visible even with clothes on!

The words "So mummy. What do you have, exactly?" from the eldest completely flummoxed me. All I could think about was bloody cancer, although I hope to high heaven I don't have it any more. 

I'm so pathetic - I welled up and couldn't answer the question!

Fortunately, my husband was there to give the obvious answer "sore muscles which have given mummy a bad back", to question number one, and also handled the follow up from the smallest child which was "what are your pills for?". Painkillers, on this occasion, but I do occasionally get quizzed on why I'm still taking pills. (Tamoxifen and Perindopril).

Ridiculous. Given that I should be far stronger than this by now, I'm a bit ashamed of myself. 

I have no idea whether I'm still in denial, or was just having a bad day, the fact that at some point I might have to tell my children that I have had cancer absolutely terrifies me. 

Cancer is still a very scary word and some days, living under the threat of it returning is just too much to take.

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